Government Benefits


As everyone knows, government targets are hard to meet - epecially when you only do 5 actual days work per year. However, simply throwing money at problems is a much quicker short term solution than improving the health and education infrastructure.

Observe the list of government benefits you could be eligible for:

  • Incapacity benefit - you must have previously been paralysed for at least 3 days. Claim amount dependent on length and extent of paralysis
  • Inconvenience benefit - if you have to miss a previously arranged appoint due to the social services, you can claim up to £86 per appointment.
  • Inability benefit - if you have attempted something at least 3 times, and are still not able to achieve, you can claim £47.
  • Apathy benefit - if you can be bothered to collect it, £630 will be awarded for apathy. If you do work up the muster to collect however, you're likely to be ineligible.
  • Ignorance benefit - Your vague and dim awareness of contraceptives could lead to a potential winfall. If your every attempt to procreate leads to pregnancy, you could be awarded £89 per child (8 child minimum)
  • Overeating benefit - Obviously your gargantuan appetite will be difficult to sate - Particularly as spending every waking hour desperately shovely food into your gaping maw, leaves no time for a job. The government can help with £136 of Dominoes vouchers each week. Let's hope you can still press the keys on your phone one at a time.

All content copyright Tom Crowley

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License