All Facts
- Stars Celebrities are often called 'stars'. This name is historically derived from the 'five points' of IQ that are shaved from one's mental faculties when forced to hear about their activities.
- Norfolk Punch People from Norfolk take great delight in telling outsiders the benefits of Norfolk Punch a delicious local beverage. It is however a ruse. When the hapless victim loudly orders a Norfolk punch,...
- Bill Oddie Bill Oddie is backing a government plan to replace all Englands wild bird species with seagulls by 2012. The seagull is seen as a hardy alternative to other species, especially migratory species which...
- U2 Rock legends U2 disbanded in 1998 after discovering after over 10 years in the band that they had recruited the wrong The Edge . I tort it were another bloke; quipped singer Bono at the time He...
- Skydiving Falling though a cloud of chemical waste is the skydiving equivilant of treading in a dog turd.
- Truancy Prof. Michael Clandestine of Cambridge University developed a technique whereby he could maintain a state of simultaneous truancy whilst present in a room - that is, he could both be and not be in the...
- Stretchmarks Stretchmarks are something of a misnomer, as they are actually caused by yawning.
- Burgandy Burgandy is a wine, a colour, a food, a country and an insult in that country's language. Author Keith Burgandy plans to write a novel in the hopes it will become a screenplay, then a blockbuster...
- Croquet Croquet is the only word in the English language to have more sylables than vowels (including y as a vowel). This is due to the various clicks and whistles included in the word when pronounced by an...
- Spandau Spandau fur is used as a hood-lining due to it's immense warmth. Spandau Seals, from which the fur is beaten, are among the slipperiest mammals known to man. This may be to do with them living on ice.
- Smash Brothers Super Smash Brothers was a poorly made NES game made soley to cash in on the popularity of instant mash.
- Antipope Every 10 years the Antipope and the Pope have a wrestling match to decide you lives in the Vatican. These matches are always extremely one sided as they should both have the Antichrist and Christ on...
- Gravy Gravy granules are manufactured by a process of rubbing a joint of beef along a 'gravy board'. The resulting granules are left to dry, and then collected for packaging.
- Ballgowns In days past it was fashionable for women to wear long sweeping ballgowns. There was an element of practicality in this, as the most popular sport at the time was shit-kicking, and a lot of people had...
- Pierce Brosnan Pierce Brosnan has two sisters; Tear, and Perforation.
- Hercules Contrary to popular legend, Hercules actually performed 22 'labours', rather than the accepted 12. These were: Slay the Nemean Lion and bring back its hide. Slay the 9-headed Lernaean Hydra. Capture...
- Mechanical Hatred It is now possible to mechanise hatred using machines, leaving people with aproximately 12% more free time. However there is the traditional view that it will never be as good as the genuine thing.
- Brunch Brunch must contain at least one piece of toast. Otherwise it is just called a late breakfast.
- Cider Cider is not made of fermented apples as commonly suggested, as this involves rotting fruit, and is unhygenic. All natural cider comes from various cider fountains dotted around the English...
- Room To Swing A Cat Although used as a popular phrase ( there's not enough room to swing a cat in here! ) to comment on the size of a room, it was a stipulation in shipbuilding that cabins must have enough room to swing...
- Hanging Gardens Hanging gardens originated in Babylon with the famous wonder of the world, but they were build across the world as tourist destinations. Although popular for a while for family trips, the abolition of...
- Carl Douglas Carl douglas used to be a costumed vigilante. His vehicle was a 1978 Dodge charger named the Groovemobile .
- Napalm Napalm was invented when King Henry VIII got hot jam on his hand. Unfortunately jam was quite expensive at the time, and there weren't that many people to use it on, so it was mothballed.
- Upside-Down M's Upside down M's can sometimes look a bit like W's, but there are subtle differences. This is because of a law passed in 1921 stating that any typeface intended for comercial use must distiguish upside...
- Marmalade Mick Hucknall, semi-famous frontman of the perrenial middle-aged couples favorite Simply Red is terrified of marmalade. Passers by were stunned to see Mick bellowing at the top of his voice and...
- GamesMaster Sir Patrick Moore stipulated in his GamesMaster contract that every tip given out by him, was also to be written by him. As Sir Patrick was very, very bad at video games, none of the tips worked -...
- Grint Grinting is an Internet fad whereby a popular Youtube video is edited and spliced with one frame of video of (usually) the users cock and/or balls. At the moment it is estimated that thousands of...
- Mick Hucknall Failed musician Mick Hucknall has variously been in trouble with the law for: Public exposure Selling left-over bikini-waxing strips as novelty moustaches.
- Smashing Pumpkins At the height of their career the Smashing Pumpkins were causing millions of pounds of damage to US pumpkin crops, leading up to what is now referred to as Black thanksgiving where pumpkin prices...
- The Last Supper The last supper was actually the very last supper. All subsequent suppers have just been late dinners.
- Pope There are two known recordings of the pope swearing. One is in a private collection, another was sold to the British library in 1998 and remains in their archives. This copy also contains blasphemy,...
- Devils On Horseback Sausages wrapped in bacon have varous names as a dish, including pigs in blankets and devils on horseback . The interesting item in this instance is the origin of the devils on horseback name. It...
- Hungary Time In Hungary it is considered impolite to tell someone the time. The correct way is to show them the timepiece, or make a vague comment indicating the rough time of day.
- I Spy I-spy is the national sport of Honduras, but the version they play is based on the traditional rules. In many countries it is seen as a childrens game, but originally it was a full-contact sport. An...
- Frozen Orange Juice Because of the unique properties of water (its liquid is more dense than its solid), frozen orange juice is worth more than liquid orange juice on the stock market.
- Rectangles There are 2 main types of rectangle. An oblong rectangle is where the height of the rectangle is greater than the width, and obtuse, where the width is greater than the height. This classification was...
- Beefburg Many people know that hamburgers are named after the city of Hamburg, but it is not commonly known that there is in Germany, a small town called Beefburg. The city was originally planned to be laid...
- Devil The devil is notorious for taking on other forms. Here is a comprehensive list of all the things the devil has been: Playing cards Pockets The number 2 Lord Cardigan French Rock music Gambling Very...
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- Gib The gib is positioning and cut of the front and sometimes back pockets on a pair of trousers. In days past, pockets were commonly held to be immensely un-christian, and even today certain cuts of gib...
- Military Presents It is a common act within the military to gift an enemy, commonly with felt. There is a complex universal code depending on the cut and length of the felt as to what the conveyor of the gift is...
- Outsourcing While many companies seem to outsource call centres to emerging econiomies such as India, realistically it would cost too much to transport the entire building and hire and train new staff. It is...
- Spoons Spoons as we know them are a recent invention, especially when compared to other cutlery such as forks or knives. As late as the 1800s it was common to consume soup using a fork with a piece of...
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- Predator A predator is anything which pre-dates something else. Thus when the hawk is referred to as the natural predator of the rabbit, it simply means that hawks were around before rabbits, and indeed acted...
- Pomegranite Pomegranites are in fact, inside out. This is to deter predators from eating it's luscious skin.
- Hash Browns Hash browns, while more of a golden colour today, were originally a dark brown colour. This was a side effect of the benzadrine added to them that would turn them a bright green colour if overcooked....
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- Jones The term jonesing (i.e. desperate for) comes from the song keeping up with the Joneses by Grace Jones and Tom Jones. Grace and Tom divorced in 1998.
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- Celery It is a well known wives tale in Finland that it is impossible to lie whilst chewing celery. It is still common practice for suspicious wives to provide a snack of celery and assorted dips for their...
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- Artifact The definition of an artifact is anything of artistic merit which has been unearthed after a period of time underground. If it has a vague religious connection or a lot of caked-on dirt, it may be...
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- Uncle Saying the word Uncle as a term of forfeiture developed from the original use of Carbuncle . However, throughout the early 60s, breadmaker Uncle Bakers created an advertising campaign ( Just say...
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- So Solid Crew The British musical group So Solid Crew was originally started as a joke. Its 30+ members consist of Waltham Comprehensive schools year 12 Music class and some A-level music students. Every single...
- Plasma Televison Set The screens in plasma television sets are made from plasma that is surplus from the large amount of merchandise toys produced in conjunction with the popular series of films Ghostbusters .
- Space Dust The popular popping confectionary Space Dust is made from the dust inside a CRT Television Set and is highly carcenogenic. However Plasma Television sets contain a delicious gooey substance that so...
- Morrisey Singer Morrisey is well known for his pacifist views extending to all forms of life (except plantlife). However it is possible for him to accidentally swing a bouqet of flowers into passing...
- Barbuda The Caribbean Island of Barbuda is to change its name to Singapuda after a 73 year legal court case. Since its birth, Singapore had always contested that it and not Barbados was the geological father...
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- Tcp/Ip TCP/IP is the name of a deadly computer virus. If at any time TCP/IP appears to have installed itself on your machine, best practice suggests that you leave your house immediately and call the...
- Meat Clothes For five months in 1983, a Spanish department store housed the world's first and last Meatwear department. Shoppers could enter and buy items such as pork-pie hats, kipper ties and, for the ladies, a...
- Jewellery Erroneously believing that anal beads are a type of jewellery is a mistake that you only make once.
- British Rail Since the 1970s, Britain's rail transport system has been mismanaged to such a catastrophic extent that it has had to be officially re-classified as a type of fruity pudding.
- Humous In 1787 whilst observing the night sky, the famous French mathematician and astonomer, Pierre-Simon, marquis de Laplace, inadvertently discovered Humous under a cat. Believing it to be the ethereal...
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- Swans On every 29th of February, all Swans in the world omit a cry only audibe to babies and certain adults. Eating swan gives one the ability to hear this sound and only the Queen and Ray Parker Junior...
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- Toilet Flushes Modern toilets are capable of spraying fecal matter over 30 feet when flushed. Prior to this, it was necessary to throw feaces at the far wall of your bathroom to acheive the same effect.
- Hi Speed Disintegration After the advent of motor car racing it became clear that anything travelling in excess of 100mph quickly disintegrates into its constituent parts, and then reassembles as it slows down (the Haimen...
- Hiding In The Bushes In 2005, a worldwide survey conducted by Hiding Digest magazine found that the most popular bush to hide in is the Trojan Gorse.
- Kamikazi Kamikazi literally translates to bad pilot in Japanese. They were not supposed to fly their explosive packed planes into the enemy, it was, in fact just countless examples of bad aviation.
- Bob Carolgees Internationally renowned comedian Bob Carolgees died of cerebral palsy in September last year, EXACTLY a year after his split with his partner Spit The Dog. After working successfully for years on a...
- Spit The Dog The richest dog in the world is Spit the Dog. After making his name with Bob Carolgees on Tiswas and other shows he went on earn millions as a stock broker in Hong Kong. He successfully cleared his...
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- Lent Although known as a Christian celebration the period of 40 days leading up to Easter has been celebrated since pagan times. It was customary in ancient times to lend a neighbor a useful hand tool or...
Anonymous
- Cabbage Cabbage eaten underwater can cause schizophrenia. At the very least you'll be asking yourself why you did it.
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- Muslim Dogs Although less than 20% of dogs in the UK are Muslim the growing concern regarding the increasing number of dog burkas (or barkas as they are known) being worn by bitches has prompted a government...
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- Roman Pottery During the final days of the Roman Empire it became fashionable to carry around a decorative vase in which to excrete bodily waste. Roughly the size of a hip-flask, people initially competed with each...
- Watched Clocks As everybody knows, a watched clock never boils. Inversely, a clocked watch actually has a very low melting point and vaporises at room temerature. It is because of this that none exist.
- Sandwich Boards Sandwich boards are the only sandwich legally allowed to contain human flesh, however it is illegal to eat one, as much like swans, they fall under the queens protection.
- Poptarts Poptarts, the sugary breakfast choice of thousands of hyperactive/diabetic children, was actually invented by a man. Notorious drunkard Albert Nepwich had a brief stint at a Kellogs warehouse in 1989,...
- Hip Flask Ironically, Hip flasks were popular right up to the advent of the 70's, when they fell into disfavour, and regained the popularity they now enjoy part way through the 80's. Indeed, hip flasks did not...
- Cement One of the single most important discoveries in construction is that cement can panic. When cement panics, it sets harder and faster than usual. Prior to 1962 cement would often take several days to...
- Pots A watched pot never boils - in fact just so much as a glance can reduce the temperature by nearly 30 degrees.
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- Golf Golf (pronounced 'Gf', with a silent 'ol') is a sport of ancient tradition. The first known record of golfing was as early as 150bc, and is even mentioned in the bible (Luke 3:15). Very early golf...
- Jim Davidson The popular comedian Jim Davidson has not sneezed in 20 years Originally thought to be a medical condition, it was revealed in his autobiography The Full Monty to actually be a tribute to the late...
- Punctuation “Clouds” are formed by the pauses and breaks in conversation. If not for the Greek scholar Aristophanes, who, in the 4th Century BC began trapping and converted them into punctuation , the entire...
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- Mc Hammer The British release of MC Hammer's Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em album was originally intended to be re-named Please Hammer, Don't Make 'Em Wait Unnecessarily for the British public, amid growing...
- Funeral Songs The most popular song to be played at funeral ceremonies during the 1990s was 'Angels' by Rob E. Williams. In second place was 'Short Dick Man' by 20 Fingers.
- Salad Want to make your salad crisper? Then use a salad crisper. It's not fucking rocket science.
- Cigarettes It is possible to create your own cigarettes using the shredded bark of a tree soaked in camphor oil in place of tobacco. While this will be virtually indistinguishable from a real cigarette, it will...
- Cutting Grass In Poland, a unique method of cutting grass has evolved, where the cut-ee swings a length of rope over their head in a lasoo like manner, before hurling it towards the offending lawn. This has...
- War Crimes War crimes constitute a breach of the stringent rules of war. War being a scenario where human slaughter is not only permitted in the rules, but actively encouraged and enthusiastically celebrated....
- Brain Cells and Buffalo Brain cells are like buffalo herds. The herd can only move as fast as the slowest and the weakest. These laggers-behind will, more often than not, be the game of predators, and in it's inimitable way,...
- Monkeys Uncle There can be no such thing as a monkeys uncle for the simple fact that all monkeys are female. The correct term for a male ape is 'baboon'. This is not to be confused for a mail ape, for which the...
- Dandelion And Burdock Burdock is a plant imbued with almost miraculous anti-carcenogenic properties. Sadly, Burdock is most often consumed in a drink with dandelion, a well known carcenogen - so the cancer-curing...
- Mouse Traps Mouse Traps are such ingenious devices they have single handedly been responsible for the entire extermination of the mouse population. Any mice you might have seen after the 7 june 1978 are infact...
- Time Time was invented by Harold Bishop out of Neighbours. He invented it to aid his learning of script lines while on set. If he forgot his lines he would slip out of time and reappear instantly being...
- Submarine Submarines are just boats that haven't passed the water tight test. When a boat is launched it will either sink or float. if it sinks then it is quickly filled with mariners who have been fed nothing...
- Parsnips The average common or garden Parsnip can be used as an offensive weapon, and in the hands of a trained Ninja can even kill a fully grown human. There are conditions to this working of course, the...
- Orange Peel Orange Peel can be used in place of windscreen wiper blades, just cut a strip off and slide it in place of the wiper blade. You're also automatically granted with a fresh orangey smell whenever it...
- Bee Gees Maurice Gibb of the popular disco band the Bee Gees died aged 53. He passed away towards midnight, January 12th 2003 after suffering from a fever. The computer animated feature film 'Alvin and the...
- Master System The Sega Master System was designed to be the ultimate gaming machine. When Sega was designing the master system, the basis for the machine was a modular approach, including plans for not only the...
- Mousse Chocolate mousse is created by detonating chocolate in a vacuum, and then airating it by pouring hydrogen through a sieve into the mixture. It takes 2g of chocolate for every 1g of mousse. This is...
- Practicality Practicality is a bizzare form of abstract math. People who study this arcane logic are known as Philanthropists.
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- Broadway Prior to 1987, the best thing that could possibly occur to someone, was Broadway.
- Frozen Meat When frozen, the molecular structure of meat changes, due to the formation of ice crystals within the meat itself. Lester Newmanthal of South Oregon is a 'Molecular Gastronomist', who has pioneered a...
- Grace Jones Grace Jones, the famous runway model once had a fit of hysterical laughter that lasted 4 years, but had never even smiled before nor since. When asked about the experience, she said it was 'alright if...
- Smiling It only takes 7 muscles to smile, but 67 muscles to frown. This is thought to be linked directly to the fact that simpletons smile so much, whereas more intelligent manly characters often frown. In a...
- Frobishers A 'frobisher' is a professional drunk. Although not generally an alcoholic, he is annoying and in a state of general disarray. They are usually employed outside general stores, where they arrive...
- Perl Perl stands for PErfectly Reasonable Language, and is an old computer programming language. Although it was acceptable at the time of its inception, it became subject to scrutiny later on because of...
- Latvia Latvia lacks a national telephone network. For emergency services however, letters are fast-tracked to the fire station, police station and ambulance crews. This process usually shaves a day off of...
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- Pony Tails When you see a man sporting a pony tail he is not doing so just out of a misguided fashion sense, he will be suffering from an incurable condition that affects an increasing number of males. Commonly...
- Smoking Ban The recent smoking ban in England and Wales was not introduced for health reasons, but rather because smoking can cause impotence. Of those members of parliament wanting to resist the ban, many of...
- Bumbaclat A bumbaclat is a type of small iced cake or fancy, popular in the west indies. In recent times it has been considered uncool to be seen to enjoy the cakes, but really, everyone does. A bloodclat is...
- Outside Interestingly, in Lapland there is considered to be 4 different types of outside. It is one of their cultures biggest faux-pas to confuse one type with another, as in their bitter climate, a mistake...
- Doug The popular cartoon series Doug was noted for its whimsical take on the life of a typical Charlie-Brown-esque American schoolboy. But what stands out most about the series run, is their decision to...
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- Play-Doh In 1984, a batch of Play-Doh was recalled when it was found that the tubs contained C4, a plastic explosive rather than harmless Play-Doh. All but one tub were recalled successfully, although...
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- Twiglets Twiglets are ever popular Marmite flavoured wheat snacks (akin to crisps), which along with miniature sausage rolls and cheese-pineapple snacks, have become a mainstay of tedious party buffets in...
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- Stunt Doubles Occasionally, under the right circumstances it is possible for a stunt to double, or even triple. In the Arnold Shwartzenegger film 'Eraser', many of the stunts were multiplied to such an extent, the...
- Brain Food The term 'brain food' relates to a thought experiment by Dr John Keller of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. In this experiment he determined how much of his own brain a human could eat...
- Ghostrider In the popular B-list comic book 'Ghostrider', the hero Johnny Blaze rides a motorbike which is often on fire - however, originally, he rode a ghost, which is how the series got its name. Marvel...
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- Egg Chickens don't come from Eggs, they are planted in the ground and grow up through the Egg. The Egg is laid by a chicken to mark the spot of planting, plus it acts as a tasty treat for the hungry...
- Peaches If Peaches aren't picked they will continue to grow. There are reports of Peaches in Brazil that are so big they now have their own gravitational pull. Many people have been known to die through...
- Wind Wind doesn't actually exist as weather, it comes from wind turbines dotted all around the country. they were secretly erected over night during WW2 to aid our planes out to sea but somebody forgot to...
- Hearing Aids Hearing Aids is a disease caused by the hearing virus. Symptoms include itching, foaming, deafness and rubbing. To combat the effects of hearing aids, a tiny device (called a wurzel) is placed within...
- Mites Mites are a spread made with excess yeast. Popular mites include Marmite and Vegemite.
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- Egg-Jam Egg-jam is a popular conserve made of pickled scrambled eggs. To conserve its rubbery texture in the acidic pickle, the egg is vulcanised, making it a nearly indestructible breakfast when combined...
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- Vertigo Vertigo is not a fear of heights, but rather a fear of floating away. This fear can be so strong that the subconscious forces the body to topple to the ground, causing dizziness and falling.
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- Marmite Marmite’s bitter taste comes from the crushed and distilled fear gland of new-born kittens. Consequently, over-consumption of Marmite can lead to anxiety. If a grown cat’s fear gland is used (as in...
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- Mushroom Theft Mushroom-theft is now fairly uncommon in Slovakia, but during the Slovakian Mushroom crisis of 1996, mushrooms were so scarce that on average a single mushroom would change hands over 40 times a day....
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- Hollywood Actors Male actors are generally paid more than actresses. This is because the pay rate is directly linked to biomass. Thusly, 'dwarfish' or 'skinny' actors are not cast because of the requirements of the...
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- Worlds Strongest Man It is not necessary to pull a face like you've got constipation during a worlds strongest man contest, but it is considered respectful. Sometime the close friends and family of the entrant will also...
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- Colombo Colombo's Peter Falk was noted for his unusual acting style. The show was completely unscripted, and would begin with Mr Falk drinking a litre of scotch for breakfast. He would then grow paranoid,...
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- Umbrella Cats Umbrella cats have never been proven to exist. JRR Tolkien once claimed he'd made them up, then later retracted the statement. If they did exist however, they would go some way to explaining rain-dogs...
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- Kenny Rogers Kenny Rogers is one of the few proud owners of an autobiographical name, alongside Lynn Faulds-Wood and Bad-Ass Maracas.
- The Tits Of Strangers The tits of strangers are widely believed to be beneficial to one's health: it is said that if one rubs them, an immense feeling of wellbeing overcomes the instigator for the next two-to-four seconds....
- Country & Western Country and Western is an amalgamation of country music and western music. Country music dates back to 1763 when Colonel Patterson of Kentucky, tired of the bluegrass sound, created the first...
- Bauxite Bauxite is one of the few minerals entirely piratical in nature.
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- Meteorology Meteorology is the study of meteors. Perhaps the most famous meteorologist was Keith Lies, a civil servant from Iver, who penned the song 'Waiting for a star to fall'. His lifes ambition was to own a...
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- Breakdancing Breakdancing was invented by Diana Ross in 1976 when she fell backwards during a performance. The crowd were astonished to see Ms Ross seemingly levitate to her feet from where she lay on the floor,...
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- World In Action The hardest breakdancing move to perform is generally agreed to be the 'World in Action'. In this move, the bboy will remain in the same stance, hands to the side, body stiff, but will rotate wildly...
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- Gyles Brandreth Contrary to popular belief, only one of Gyles Brandreth's heads cannot feel emotion, though each conceals a dangerous attack, including; Crying acrid fumes/noxious gas Spitting acid Winking lasers...
- Auld Lang Syne Auld lang syne is a traditional bluegrass song about an old sign in a village in Kentucky that nobody could read*, as they were all illiterate, or permenantly drunk. This is sung on New Years Eve when...
- Bluegrass Bluegrass is originally a type of jazz originating from Kentucky. The musicians, too poor to buy their instruments would instead constuct them out of turf. Affictionados of bluegrass describe the...
- Simpleton Simpleton in Dorset holds a popular annual half-wit contest Where contestants strive to prove themselves the most intellectually challenged in the village. The winner is put to death.
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- Blackberry Blackberry devices use vitamin C to 'squirt' data across to the nearest Internet. This then produces a stain by 'packet smearing', which cannot be removed until the Internet reaches its destination....
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- Pie When making pie, it is important to ensure that the pastry is layed the correct way. If the pastry is laid inside out, the pie will usually invert during the baking process. In some cases this can...
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- Pyromania For 2 weeks in January, Pyromania swept the town of Hamsburg, Illinois. During this period nearly everone in the town gleefully set alight whatever they could find, leaving everyone in the village...
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- Plethora A plethora is the direct equivilant of several, with the exception that a plethora is solely used to describe something unpleasant. ie A plethora of raping cocks .
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- Furnishing It is possible to furnish anything simply by covering it in paper and waving an egg-whisk at it. Furnished eggs are immensely popular in Scandinavia, where they are given as threats.
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- English National Anthem The full-length version of 'God save the King' is 53 minutes long, and mentions the line 'god save our noble King' 237 times. The rarely played full version is accompanied by a synthesised percussion...
- Painting An artist once painted himself into the corner of a room in Buckingham palace. So lifelike was the image, that guards thought it was a genuine intruder and evacuated the palace. 8 Hours later, with...
- Tony Bullimore Tony Bullimore exemplifies the word 'hero'. In 1997, his boat overturned in the icy waters of the Pacific or Atlantic, and he managed to survive by staying under his boat for 6 days. Other people...
- Worms Worms are fiercely territorial and, on average, will patrol 6 cubic miles of soil. If you have more than one worm in your garden, it will most likely be the same worm. Worms travel at speeds of 70kmh...
- Nautical Mile A nautical mile is slightly shorter than a 'land mile' because the measuring tape goes all bumpy on the waves.
- Pop Lyrics The lyrics to Owen Paul's 1986 hit 'My Favourite Waste Of Time' originally contained over 300 instances of the word 'anus'. The lyrics were later amended shortly before release - surprisingly, not due...
- Alans If all the world's Alans got together for an Alan Convention on the Isle of Wight, the temperature of the planet would decrease by 1ºC. Time would also have to be decimalised. Allens are not invited....
- Monogamy Monogamy is the most faithful type of hardwood.
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- Robin Williams At the height of his fame, actor and comedian Robin Williams commissioned a 'Utility Face' to be built and installed over his normal face. The new face contained several zip-up pockets, a compass,...
- Helicopters Helicopters are necessarily loud, as the law states that if you can see a helicopter, it must be audible.
- Mr T Mr T from televisions A-Team would always refuse to fly in any form of air travel. However, this was not because of any safety reservations, as he was well aware of the relative safety compared to...
- Errol Flynn Errol Flynn had such a long willy that while cycling, he had to attach it to his neck with a Bicycle clip. Flynns life ended in tragedy when the clip came undone whilst cycling down a steep hill in...
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- British Bulldog In June 1944, the entire world played the largest game of British Bulldog ever. Attendance was manditory, and effect of friction on the ground of over 3 billion pairs of feet slowed down the earth so...
- 14 14 is not a true number - it is two numbers; one and four.
- Bus Stops When waiting for a bus in England, it is considered improper, even if you know the fare, to make any preparation before embarking the bus. People will be quite happy to wait in line when you suddenly...
- Karate Chop When encountering an enemy, the single best way of safely dispatching them, is with a karate chop. This means that if you were momentarily mistaken, the karate chop will have disabled them without...
- Midwiffery Midwiffery is a practice rife among the older generation, but the practice is declining against a trend of casual sex in the younger generation. A midwife is a term for a live-in prostitute that...
- Electric Razor The electric razor was invented by Jean Bic who found that he always cut himself shaving. Although this was in no small part due to spectacularly bad acne, Mr Bic had the solution with his new shaving...
- Scolding The method of punishment deemed appropriate for small children in the 1950s was to pour boiling water on them. This is where we get the term 'scolding' (a disambiguation).
- Mark B And Blade A huge irony quake occurred when Blade of Mark B and Blade set off to a gig on his bicycle. Although he knew the route well, he was impared visually, when the lime he was attempting to peel squirted...
- Mediterranian Mediterranian means 'middle ground' and this is the type of earth, neither good nor bad, in which the only thing that will grow is mediterranian vegetables. Mediterranian vegetables should not be...
- Bob Holness Bob Holness insists on the title 'His Royal Holness'. He refuses to explain why.
- Suspicious Packages Suspicious packages are a leading force in security measures. If anything appears amiss, the packages change colour, alerting authorities to possible danger.
- Bob Salad Bob Salad is the most wanted criminal in the world. An obsessive collector, he soon turned to crime, and has committed every criminal act there is. Chief inspector Bob Salad of Scotland yard said 'The...
- Cerebral Palsy Cerebral palsy is a condition where the brain area disolves into the consistency of palsy.
- Palsy Palsy is a traditional milkmans pudding made of suet and old milk. For cerebral palsy, see cerebral palsy.
- Welshmen When welcoming a Welshman into your home, you must hide anything rugby-like, as the Welsh are famously competitive, and will play rugby in your home. In 2007, a welshman caused £13,000,000 damage to a...
- Bigby Browser And The Thundercats During the song 'Stabbing you with my insertion' performed at the Collesium, Bigby suffered a record 37 heart attacks. Bigby's doctor explained; Why the fuck isn't he dead? I don't understand it ....
- WAG A WAG is a 'Wives And Girlfriends'. Quite how this worked was previously the result of determined scientific study, but in 20006, David Beckham revealed the secret in an interview. Unfortunately the...
- Atlantic Ocean During 1939, a secret experiment was held to discover whose side the Atlantic ocean was on. Thinking that the power of the waves would be instrumental in aiding raids against Nazi U-boats, the British...
- Moths The moth is the smallest bird in the world, and due to its extraordinarily small mouth, can only consume particles of light. At night, the tiny bird becomes so hungry, it frantically drinks in light...
- Anumeracy Anumeracy is the conscious decision to disregard numbers. Although aware of numbers, the anumerate will instead prefer more vague terms, such as; 'some', 'many', 'few'. Famous anumerates include John...
- Inumeracy Over 3 in 2 people in the world are completely innumerate. This is the opposite of bubblegum. For anumeracy, see anumeracy.
- Bubblegum Bubblegum is the only thing which cannot be destroyed. The opposite of bubblegum is inumeracy.
- Scout Masters A scout-master is the hive mind contolling a scout troop. When enough scouts have been assimilated from neighboring societies, the scout-master will select one of the scouts and mate repeatedly. This...
- Wireless LAN A LAN is a type of computer network where the computers communicate over lengths of wire or string. A wireless LAN is simply a LAN that has been unplugged, or an un-LAN. In the early days of...
- Grapefruit Grapefruit is in fact, the fruit of the grape. It is the only instance of a fruit growing directly from another fruit. Grapefruits start as tiny seed-like pods, and are soaked in water for roughly 11...
- Have You Lost Your Minds?! No, all of these facts are 100% true. Now click this link.
- Cough It is possible to have a cough and yet be unaware, if the cough has not been activated. It is estimated that up to 89% of the population of the world currently carry dormant coughs. The cough can be...
- Whooping Cough Whooping cough is a chemical reaction that causes the coughee to whoop uncontrollably. The only known cure is to drink an entire bottle of whiskey, but this must be done almost immediately. This is...
- Heartbeat The television program 'Heartbeat' was cancelled after its first season when the entire cast caught whooping cough and died. Due to extrordinary public demand the series was rescheduled and still runs...
- Ball Bearings Ball bearings aren't manufactured, they actually grow as a crop on a farm in east sussex. The farmer decides what size of ball bearing is harvested by using a magnet on a bit of string. If the magnet...
- Umbrella Umbrellas were originally designed to catch water as this was the main currency of Alaska during the 1850's. This was until they discovered that snow could be melted into currency and this started the...
- Wool Wool isn't part of the sheep, it is actually a furry moss that grows on the back of animals that can't roll over, Hence the saying a rolling stone gathers no moss . The reason that sheep can't roll...
- David Beckham The well known annoying, squeaky voice is emitted from David Beckham when he talks because he is actually a seven year old girl with quite severe hormone issues. He is understandably reluctant for...
- Final Films Walt Disney's final film, 'The Rambunctious Mr. Crispy', never saw a cinematic release. The Disney studios burned all of the film prints, storyboards and painted cels after a private screening of a...
- Suntans The benchmark of success for the English working class is obtaining a suntan. 'Working class' is, of course, an oxymoron.
Anonymous
- Wellington Boots Wellington boots aren't named after Wellington, but are infact named after the town of Wellington where there is a constant tide that leaves the town submerged in 6 inches of milk. Strangely enough...
- Volvo Swedish inginuity means that each Volvo constructed is assembled from just two paperclips and an envelope.
Anonymous
- Peppercorns A man in Germany is so gay, he now eats over 302 peppercorns a day. I just love peppercorns , said the man, who is a practicing homosexual. I also enjoy penetrive sex with other men , he added.
Anonymous
- Retards The magazine 'build a retard in 39 easy steps' had to be recalled after a completed retard terrorised a village fete in Wiltshire. Onlookers were petrified as the moron fucked his way through the...
Anonymous
- Mosques The largest mosque in the world is capable of producing 203,000 mosquitoes per day.
Anonymous
- Owls Owls cannot digest mice, and gain absolutely no nutrition from their consumption. The only reason they eat so many is that they enjoy shitting out the tiny skulls.
Anonymous
- Stunts In April this year, a stunt went spectacularly wrong when a stuntman, Ron Ellingwood was preparing to be fired from a cannon. As he was preparing to blast off, he recieved a phone call from camera...
- Bumsmiths The humble art of the bumsmith is all but forgotten. The last remaining bumsmithery closed in Wales in 1996 forcing 200 bumsmiths out of work. The closures are blamed on modern production techniques,...
- Sombrero Theft During the mid-nineties, a spate of sombrero thefts occured in the town of Gwent in Wales. Roughly 112,300 of the large hats which are part of the towns traditional goat herding apparel, went missing...
- Social Networking During a social netwoking experiment in the 1980s, three hamsters were wired together using an ethernet cable. The scientists quickly realised they had made a supercomputer far in advance of anything...
- Three Drinks A man in Colorado is making a bid for state govenor on the back of his celebity status. Mark 'three-drinks' Owen (real name Easter Santa) is renowned for his ability and insistance to drink three...
- Heart Attacks During it's brief 6 month stint in Londons West End, the massively popular musical 'Heart attack fever!' is thought to have caused a 30% increase in fatal heart attacks due to its massive popularity,...
- Watergate The watergate scandal would never have occurred if the gate had properly been secured.
- Haunted Houses If one person dies within a building, this automatically qualifies it as a haunted house.
- Laughing On Tuesday 1993 a standup comedian named Malcom Pelvis told the funniest joke ever. On that day, 6 people died laughing, and one man continued to laugh for over 15 years. The strange thing is, none of...
- Antioxidants When William Wallace discovered antioxidants in 1673, they were blue. Now antioxidants are a dull reddish colour. This, if anything, is a clear indication of global warming.
- Cornwallis Everyone in Cornwall has Cornwallis as either a name or alias. It is one of the few places where Tobias Gainsbridge is regarded as being a less common name, although the county still boasts 14,569...
- Jam Tarts Jam Tarts are delicious, and yet a sinister truth lurks beneath their jammy goodness. In 1927, Rudyard Kipling was on the verge of discovering the secret of mass-produced baked goods, the holy grail...
- Sex Trafficking Sex trafficking is controlled closely by sex traffic policemen, who work tirelessly to direct the flow of oncoming sex traffic. Confusingly, most of the traffic is produced by the sex traffic King.
- Marzipan Despite the name, Marzipan does not come from Mars, nor is it made in a pan. It grows as a parasite on the inside of grapes and is harvested in the autumn. Entire vineyards have been known to be wiped...
- Um Bongo The formula for Um Bongo was developed during the first world war to counter the use of mustard gas in the trenches. It was believed that a small sip of the juice drink would render a soldier immune...
- Belly Buttons A version of paper scissors stone can be played with one's belly button, however the rules depend on the day and phase of the moon, and it can for obvious reasons, only be played once.
- America America is the only country in the world beginning and ending in the letter A. If the amount of tax that Tom Jones has avoided paying by living there for the past 30 years was laid out end-to-end...
- Tomato Ketchup Tomato Ketchup, also known as 'ketsup' to those dangerously close to the line between animal and vegetable, is made of 2350% tomato. While this may seem, and in fact, is impossible, the tomato has...
- Tuesday Tuesday was originally the fifth day of the week, but had to be moved to its current place as it had a falling out with saturday over opposing views on interior decorating.
- Bhuddism Bhuddism is commonly known as a the most peaceful of faiths. This is because during the quest for enlightenment which Bhuddists strive to obtain through practices such as meditation and channelling...
- Tobias Gainsbridge Tobias Gainsbridge is the most common name in the UK; every person within the realms of this land knows at least three people with this name.
- Video Games Babbage's Theorem postulates that the more advanced computer game technology becomes, the less purpose there is to playing or liking games. Babbage goes further to include a mathematical formula which...
- Binge Drinking Binge drinking is an acute problem in Russia, where, on average, every adult drinks 4 bottles of binge every day. In total per day, that's enough binge to fill sixty Olympic-sized paddling pools.
- London Crime In London, crime is so rife that people wake up fully expecting to have to replace a smashed car window. If, by some miracle the windows are not smashed, it is customary to celebrate by smashing...
- 80s The late '80s was actually over 20 years late, resulting in a time-infux of '80s phenomina well into the next couple of decades. Some people think this points to the possibility of an experimental...
- Honeymoon Testes In Canada it is considered a great honour to recieve the 'honeymoon testes' of a newly married couple. Canadians breed only once, and then the males afterwards shave off their testes as a show of...
- Self Loathing Britney Spears once tried to get a restraining order against herself, which if successful would have prevented her from coming within 100 yards of herself. This confused plot is speculated to root...
- Michael Flatley Famous hypochondriac, Michael Flatley (a disambiguation of philately) developed his famous Riverdance after he became briefly confused as to what kind of stamps he was collecting. After stamping on...
- Naval Battles The aim of historic naval battles was to try to get cannon balls into your opponents cannon - a very trick maneuver on choppy seas. If the objective is achieved, it becomes the aim of your opponent to...
- Burglary Burglary, originally buglery, was a fast military in-out maneuver accompanied by blasts from the tiny trumpet. Early burglars adopting this technique quickly found it to be more productive not to play...
- Plankton Plankton is widely known as ocean dust and occurs when lobsters dust their tuxedoes or doff their hats. It is named in honour of Max Planck, who was extremely fond of small things (being Dutch)....
- Blue Whales Blue whales are giant robotic vacuum cleaners developed to clean up 'ocean dust', also known as plankton.
- Linux Linux is the term for a nerd who uses 'shell prompts' to talk to computers. Other nerds see this as something to aspire to, and will loudly proclaim themselves to be linoleum, however more often than...
Anonymous
- Honesty Honesty is not the best policy. It is wiser to have a fully comprehensive policy that includes acts of god, terrorism, civil unrest and prolonged periods of glumness.
- Human Body When reduced down to its most basic elements, the human body is found to contain 89% water, 10% carbon, trace elements, and a grumpy Squirrel reading classic literature. This is thought to be a...
- GZA The GZA produces 8 quarts of jizz per cubic day.
Anonymous
- Crossing Card In Paraguay, a crossing card was issued, so that pedestrians in a hurry could cross a busy road simply by displaying their card to the motorists. This was recalled after 2563 deaths.
Anonymous
- Sex Games Violent sex games resulted in a police investigation after 6 people died using a Nintendo butt-plug.
Anonymous
- Torture There have been many horribly nauseating and downright disgustingly evil methods of torture thought up by man during the history of civilization, the iron maiden, thumb screws and the rack to name but...
- Root Vegetables Although common knowledge among gardenmasters, few normal people are aware that vegetables such as carrots, turnips and the radish grow firmly under soil as they weigh less than oxygen, and if not...
- Customs And Excise HM Customs and Excise is the government department tasked with thinking up new traditions, such as the jolly and much loved old Victorian custom of enforced euthanasia for the elderly, infirm and...
- Atkins Diet The atkins diet was a quirky but unsuccessful form of weight loss. After a large initial take-up, an atkins shortage loomed as the atkin producers were unable to supply the large demand for their...
- Shoplifting Richard Branson was arrested for shoplifting in 1996 by a confused security guard. In fact, he was shopping for a new elevator. The opposite of shoplifting is 'store-placing' in which legitimately...
- Origami It is only possible to fold a sheet of paper twice. If any more folds are attempted, the paper becomes unusable.
- Bloody Massive Numbers In the Summer of 1970, a group of mathematicians at the American Institute of Mathematics in California created a number so large it sheared the fabric of time, blasting all four members of the...
- Magic Beans Alistair Darling, Englands chancellor of the exchequer, although notoriously gormless has recently unveiled new plans to boost the economy. By allowing a budget for 'magic beans' he claims to be able...
- Baptism The act of 'Baptising' people into religions can trace it's origins all the way back to 1426bc. In the area of Britain that is now Hampshire, tribal mystics would 'Baptise' children by smashing their...
Anonymous
- Caution To The Wind When throwing caution to the wind it is advisable to wear protective gloves, as caution often gets blown back into you and can give you a nasty burn.
- Meringue Meringue was orignially conceived as a cheap alternative to plaster in Ancient Greece. The practice was widely used for several decades, until Athens was hit by a plague of wasps and an epidemic of...
Anonymous
- Waverly Method A curious method of testing the ripeness of cheese is the Waverly method. Simply put, a round of cheese is punched as hard as the cheesemaster can manage, and if it is not smashed to pieces, it is too...
- Anonymity When adopting anonymity, you are automatically assigned a serial number and ID code which is linked to a national anonymity database that holds every piece of personal information ever documented...
- Flightless Birds As any ornithologist worth his salt will tell you, birds such as the Ostrich and Penguin are not actually flightless. Despite being fully capable of flight, they choose not to as they believe that at...
- ÓÐąÆÑΦΘףלҖ ÓÐąÆÑΦΘףלҖ is the name of a popular Russian childrens cartoon, centering around the eponymous heroes adventures. Although immensely popular in Russia, it has never been picked up for syndication by...
All content copyright Tom Crowley
page revision: 2, last edited: 21 Jul 2008 15:25
